It had just gotten to the point where being on leadership wasn’t worth the time I was investing.  I added up my time the other day before leaving and I was investing approximately 50 hours per month into that ministry.  I was comfortable doing so, but it had reached a point where I was witnessing the focus switch (once again) from God, to internal politics and personal agenda.  After last year, I did not have the fight in me needed to even attempt to try to change the hearts of the women in charge.  Nor did I feel like it’s necessarily my job to do so.  Tuesday I made the decision to step down.

I don’t know what it is in me that just can’t seem to be a part of something that I don’t agree with 100%.  When I left my job it was because they wanted to cover up some relatively small details to avoid what they thought could turn into something big.  I couldn’t do it, so I left.  I walked away from a pretty promising career, making a very good salary because something in me just could not turn a blind eye to what was right.

It’s the same situation with MOPS.  I loved the work I was doing.  I loved serving women in a stage of life that can be so trying and downright scary.  So, why not just turn a blind eye to the other issues?  Why is it that last year I was able to put my head down and just do my work … yet this year I just couldn’t?

No idea.

But, I do know once I quit, I was scared.  Scared that I would return to being as lonely as I was before I joined four years ago.

The one person, who in my mind, should have some sort of response (the leader) had none.  Two days of silence from her, followed up by an email request for the website passwords.  As I read those words I realized I was not going to be alone, because spending my time with people who care so little about me indicates I already was alone.  I knew then I made the right decision.  Instead of walking away from something I loved, I would be able to take back those 50 hours a month and fill them with people who actually care about me and what I have to give.  People who actually feel like I cannot simply be replaced by the next applicant.

The surprising thing to me through all of this, is not only the outpouring of support and love I’ve received from not only people in MOPS, but mommies that have left MOPS in previous years.  I want each of you to know my goal is to be able to continue to serve you as part of the community.  With the gift of time on my side, I know I’ll be able to do more things like making meals for people in need and I’ll be able to bless your children as I serve at Monkey’s school.  More importantly, I’ll have more time in The Word, and I’ll be praying for each and every one of you often.  So, if you have needs, either spoken or unspoken, please know I am here to help in any way I can.  I’d love to think that even though MOPS came to a disappointing end, it will always be a blessing in my life because it made me a better mommy and a better friend.  For those of you left on steering that have felt as though I left you to fight the fight alone, please know you were the reason I stayed as long as I did.

But in the end I realized, it’s not you that I have to decide for, it’s me.

With all of that, we are leaving for Disney on Tuesday, and my plan is to start the vacation NOW.  So, I don’t think I’ll be blogging while we are there, but I just might surprise you.  Otherwise, I’ll see you in a couple of weeks!!

xoxo,

A

I was a teeny bit disappointed, of course, but we are hoping the kids will still have fun.  We are kicking off today with a pool day, and have the swim whisperer meeting us for a lesson this afternoon.  We are hoping to still go fishing one day, hit the zoo, the Highlands Street Fair, some garage sales, and Daddy is taking Monkey to see Toy Story 3. We have also started Sorry! marathon that I am sure will be a daily challenge.  Did you ever notice how no matter how many players you have, and no matter how well someone is doing in the beginning, it always comes down to the final few plays?  In the end, almost everyone is even-steven.  The engineering on that game baffles me every time we play. 

I also completed a collage for Fathers Day, and I’ll post it later, but here’s a sneak preview with one of my favorite pictures of Caterpillar.

It won’t be all fun and games, however.  We are also doing on overhaul on Daddy’s business site, the MOPS site, and some changes to my pricing page.  I also need to place a large order for printed materials for Daddy, MOPS and More Sugar Than Spice.  I have a session on Saturday with a very sweet family of six, and some edits to complete from my last boudoir session.

In other news, we ran out of rice milk, so Caterpillar went back on regular milk on a trial basis.  Day one he was cranky as all get-out.  Day two he pooped four times and was much better.  I am praying that it was just a phase, or that his tummy has settled down, or that I was just plain ol’ neurotic and his downright cranky behavior was a dream and I’ve now woken up.

We weened him off the bottle in about two days, and he now sleeps through the night, but he wakes up STARVING.  The first thing he says when I go into his room after being abruptly awoken by a terrified-horror-movie-like scream every morning is ‘pancake, pancake, pancake’.  He’s walking more than crawling nowadays, and instead of looking like a drunken sailor, he’s taking on a more Forrest Gump-like gait. He still loves to torture Monkey, and I am not sure that will ever change.  She’s so dramatic about every little thing he does that it just feeds his desire to be the center of attention at all costs.

Anyway, that’s all that’s happening on our home front, what’s going on in your neck of the woods?

As I watched the kids dig in and begin stretching and molding the colored clay into whatever their hearts desired, I couldn’t help but reminded of some of the things we talked about at the MOPS retreat this past weekend and one of the concepts that as a group we all want to to feel this year is stretched.

We want to feel God pulling us into our positions, stretching conversations and molding relationships that are just a tad bit outside of the comfortable.  Even in the uncomfortable that comes with being genuine and transparent, at the end of the day our leadership team came out closer, stronger and more prepared for the challenges that will come.  I am excited about what is yet to be.

And without doubt, whenever I am looking ahead towards something I make sure that I reflect on the past.  I want God to see me as pliable.  Someone who is not afraid of change, and the mistakes that come when forging ahead.

That got me thinking about when I first started staying home with Monkey.  It was such a hard time because although it had been a lifetime goal, when the time finally arrived, I felt out of place.  Like I didn’t have any business being a stay at home mom.  I felt underqualified for a job that had no pay.

It reached a point where I didn’t even know what to pray for any more.  So I prayed for Gods will.  That was it.  I gave myself to him every day and said ‘do with me what you will’.  As Daddy likes to say it was simple, but not easy.

But it was life changing.

This smile tells me so:

There are many days where I pray this same prayer in the shower (as you know, it’s where I get my God on…).

Do with me what you will.

I have finally reached a point where I am starting to feel less stretching than molding.

I am beginning to take shape.  As a mother, wife and woman.  You’d think being 32 years old, I would have gotten a clue before now.  I guess I’m just a late bloomer.

Or too bossy to listen.

I no longer wonder where she gets it from.

That being said, it’s looking like it may shape up to be the best year since I’ve been part of the group.  Not because of anything I am doing, or even anything that even anyone else in particular is doing, but simply because God is moving in this ministry!  It has been so exciting to see Him bring the gifts and talents He needs in our team, and even more exciting to see the people who brought them shine.  I absolutely loved everything people presented this weekend, and it just made me so much more sure of the placement of each and every member.

While I was gone, one of our best friends from our Journey Group moved to Denver.  While it’s not that far, it’s still sad to know she won’t be coming to JG when we start back up in the fall.

Lastly, remember that ‘before’ photo I showed when we were installing the play land in the back yard?  If not, please review:

See what we lovingly call ‘the kidneys’?  Those would be those big blobs of brown and random plants.

Now that you see them, notice the walls that lead up to the kidneys.

Now think about how on Earth we are going to get the new mulch from the driveway in the front of the house into those kidneys.

Now leave those ideas in the comments, because aside from lifting a wheelbarrel up two walls, we haven’t come up with much.

Wasn’t that a lovely way of manipulating you into getting creative about our little dilema?

Onward and upward, people.  Onward and upward.

No, not the kind of surprise where I jump out of a cake on their 40th birthday, but the kind of surprise that is staged out of love and kindness.  That’s why I love doing boudoir so much.  It’s a secret between the wife and husband (well, I guess they might be telling people, but in most cases, I doubt it).  It’s a peek into a relationship and typically the wife is out of her comfort zone for love.

The session I did yesterday fell line with this mentality.  We staged a session to be done right under her hubbie’s nose for Father’s Day.  She said he doesn’t read my blog (blasphemy!) but I didn’t want to risk it, so the sneak preview will be up either after the kids ruin the surprise, or after the day has come and gone; whichever comes first.

I am off to a MOPS leadership retreat this weekend, and I am sure there will be many more secrets shared over the next few days.

We’re girls.

It’s what we do.

See ya when I return!

A

Daddy put together the kids playland today and as I type this, Monkey is outside squeezing out as much fun as she can before the sun sets completely.  Isn’t that what summer is all about when you are five?!

I am changing my hair this week, and I’ll post pics as soon as it’s done.  I am going short and dark, with some really light streaks.  Wish me luck!

My June photo session calendar is completely booked, which is very exciting to me.  I can’t believe I just started this business a few months ago – I am loving every minute of it.  I had decided to book no more than one session a week, so that I can make sure my family remains my priority.  I typically spend many hours after the sessions completing the edits and making sure the client is 100% satisfied and a relationship is built, so in order to keep that level of customer service and remain true to the reason I started this business in the first place, I have decided to limit how many clients I commit to in a given month.  I am sure many business savvy people would let me know that it’s not the best way to run a business, but I am also looking at picking up some more non-profit work, so my bottom line isn’t simply quantity.  Is that totally crazy?

We also have our MOPS retreat next weekend.  I am soooo needing the break and very much looking forward to kicking off a new year.

Speaking of needing a break, Caterpillar has been doing so much better.  He’s definitely challenging, but he’s so smart and it’s so much fun to watch him learn new things and new words every day.  He’s starting to become a Daddy’s boy, which is different than how he’s always been, but it is fun to see him become a little man in that way.  He’s starting to walk more and more, and my guess is by the end of summer I’ll be wondering why on earth I wanted him to walk at all because I won’t be able to keep up!

Lastly on our list of awesome June things, Eclipse is being released!  I know, I am too old for that being as my age doesn’t end with ‘teen’ but a good friend from Daddy’s work bought me the books while I was on bedrest and I’ve been hooked ever since.  And, truth be told, Daddy wants to come with us to this one … so ha!

I will keep ya’ll posted, but I have to say, this will be the very first summer since Monkey was born where I’m thinking I’ll have more good days than bad with regard to my health ~ I want to soak in every minute of it, and I promise my camera will be tagging along.

Stay tuned for the insanity of June!!

A

Entitlement:

1 a : the state or condition of being entitled : right b : a right to benefits specified especially by law or contract
2 : a government program providing benefits to members of a specified group; also : funds supporting or distributed by such a program
3 : belief that one is deserving of or entitled to certain privileges

There seems to be a trend in my life where people around me feel so entitled.  Perhaps I have grown more sensitive to it and it was always there, or perhaps it’s a generational thing, but it seems to be everywhere.

I will not get into specifics, but I recently had a conflict with someone who I would consider to be a friend.  This person felt I should act a certain way in a certain situation.  Because I didn’t, it made them uncomfortable.  From my perspective, I needed more time to think and pray before saying or doing anything, but my silence in itself led to conflict.

Of course, I know it would have been easier to do what this person wanted me to do and put on a fake smile and engage.  And perhaps I should have done just that.  But at what point did this person stop to think about what I was feeling?

Perhaps I was having a bad day and could have used a friend to reach out to me.  Perhaps Daddy and I had just gotten into a fight and I just couldn’t take on more than one thing.  Perhaps someone in my family had just died.  Perhaps a million other scenarios took place, yet my friends were quick to jump to the conclusion that they understood my behavior (and further jumped to it being a pride issue on my end) and automatically didn’t like it.

Don’t get me wrong, I am not blaming them for their actions.  I think it’s  a completely natural thing to do, and I am quite sure there has been times when I do the same.  In fact, I care a lot about the friend who discussed the issue with me, but I have to agree to disagree at this point. Doesn’t mean I won’t change my mind tomorrow.  Or in ten years.  Or in ten minutes.  I have no resistance to change.  I love to see God mold and change me often.  I didn’t like who I was before I knew God – so bring on the change, I say!

At what point are we called to assume the best in others, and lean a little less on our own understanding?  Where is the line drawn between wanting a friend to grow in their relationship with God and just wanting everyone to act as you would act or how you would expect them to act?  Is that decision determined by how close of friends you are or simply because you both believe Jesus Christ is your Lord and savior you get to step into their lives and tell them how they should live it?

Honestly, I feel like this is an area where I have really struggled in the past … and probably still have room for improvement.  I am opinionated.  I feel like my opinions are God-led, so it’s hard for me to remember that they are led by God for me. They are not for everyone.  We cannot all be the same, or nothing would ever get done.  We must be and act differently.

Now the body is not made up of one part but of many. If the foot should say, “Because I am not a hand, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. And if the ear should say, “Because I am not an eye, I do not belong to the body,” it would not for that reason cease to be part of the body. If the whole body were an eye, where would the sense of hearing be? If the whole body were an ear, where would the sense of smell be? But in fact God has arranged the parts in the body, every one of them, just as he wanted them to be. If they were all one part, where would the body be? As it is, there are many parts, but one body.The eye cannot say to the hand, “I don’t need you!” And the head cannot say to the feet, “I don’t need you!” On the contrary, those parts of the body that seem to be weaker are indispensable, and the parts that we think are less honorable we treat with special honor. And the parts that are unpresentable are treated with special modesty, while our presentable parts need no special treatment. But God has combined the members of the body and has given greater honor to the parts that lacked it, so that there should be no division in the body, but that its parts should have equal concern for each other. If one part suffers, every part suffers with it; if one part is honored, every part rejoices with it.

Those passages have always been some of my favorites.  When I worked in the cooperate world, I would pray over my team with those words in mind.  When our MOPS leadership was struggling, those words rang true for me again and again.  And now, the echo is once again loud in my mind.

We are all pieces of the body of Christ.  As I see pieces of His hands feeling entitled and divided over details that mean so little in the big picture, I feel the suffering.

Bright and early Daddy and I set our friends hutch outside to let the sale begin, only to have the wind blow so hard against one of the glass windows in the hutch that all of the brackets broke from the pressure.  Luckily the glass wasn’t broken, but it made for a rocky start.

We spent the rest of the morning chasing things into our neighbors yard, and just before the end time was reached, I told my neighbor to open his door and anything that blew in, he would now own.

That was just the beginning of this crazy windy week.  I know it’s only Tuesday, but I spent all day yesterday hiding from it.  I did visit a friend who had a baby last week and ran to the grocery store, and every time I got out of the car I was sure the wind would break the door right off of my car, or at least bend it backwards. 

Sidenote: Daddys old truck had a door in which that had happened to, and as a result every time we would drive we would listen to the constant ding-ding-ding-ding because the car thought the door was open.  Then, as if that wasn’t awesome enough, every so often it would stop and we’d take a deep breath in and try not to move to avoid having it start up again.

Today was the first MOPS playdate of the summer, and the winds had settled slightly so I thought we were good to go.  A dear friend drove up from the Springs to join us, only to be blown away as soon as she stepped foot out of the car.  Needless to say, we ended up back at my house hiding once again from this crazy wind.

The saddest part about all of this is the temperatures are actually nice outside.  It’s about 70 degrees outside.  If the wind weren’t gusting up to 50MPH, it would be beautiful!  Stupid sunshine stealer.

Anyone else out there have this freaky aversion to the wind?

I mean, it seems so silly to have an entire post dedicated to this topic, but the wind makes me do crazy things.

I’ll be in hiding until my beautiful Colorado weather returns,

A

Daddy took last week off since it was Mothers Day weekend and we figured it would be a good time to get some yard things going.  In Colorado, the rule of thumb is if you plant before Mothers Day, there’s a good chance they’ll be a hard freeze and you’ll loose everything.  So, every year, I do what I can to patiently wait.

This year, we decided to move the pumpkins to their own area and extend our garden.  So, we ended up adding strawberries to the already established plants, as well as planting beans, peppers, zucchini, cucumbers and of course, tomatoes.  We chose roma’s and cherry.  We also decided to do an herb pot this year including cilantro, italian parsley and basil.  I know that sounds boring, but that’s pretty much the majority of what we use.  To keep all of it straight, this year we added these:

It was fun to make as a family because we each did a little bit of each one.  I wrote the words, daddy drew the veggies and Monkey colored them in.  Caterpillar slept.  Trust me, that’s helpful.

Speaking of Monkey, she graduates from preschool next week, and I am very excited and sad at the same time.  Her reading has taken off and now I am finding myself challenged by finding books that are at her reading level, yet also at her maturity level.  It will be nice to have a teacher who can point us in the right direction! She is starting to look so big to me … and just looking at this picture makes my heart swell.  I love that little girl.

Monkey has already proven herself as the ladybug whisperer once again this year, and there are two (probably the only two in Colorado right now) sitting in our bug catcher.  She was walking around in the grass while I was planting and out of no where, spotted them.  She has lost them twice in the house, and by the grace of God they always end up coming back to her.  It is seriously one of the weirdest things I’ve ever seen.

That’s it for now, as the baby is cranky and calling me.  But, the adventures of Daddy’s vacation will be posted soon!

I had a leadership meeting for MOPS today, and we talked a bit about next year as our new leadership team is already in place.  We will go on a weekend retreat at the start of June and plan the nitty-gritty details, but I just feel so good about the team God has put in place to lead this ministry.

Last year being my first year in leadership, I’m not gonna lie, was tough.  I absolutely loved the work, but I must admit in years past I didn’t know the meeting details prior to the meeting, so it was a little more magical.  However, it has been awesome to see Gods hands at work, and I have learned so much about myself through the process.

In addition to looking forward to what is on the horizon for our MOPS group, I have been having our house cleaned every couple of weeks.  I know, I know, I love to tease stay at home moms who have other people clean their houses, but I gotta tell you, it’s AWESOME.  I come home every other week and my entire house smells like peppermint and I would literally eat off the floor it’s so spiffy.  And, because we hired Go Green Clean (the owner is in our journey group) I am completely comfortable doing so because no harsh chemicals are used!  I <heart> them.

We are in the planning stages of our garden, and I am so excited because it’s going to be bigger than last year.  We are looking to have a separate pumpkin patch, which will allow a lot more room for veggies.  I want to try beans, so if you have any pointers on that, be sure and leave me a comment!  Other than that we’ll do tomatoes and zucchini again.  We are planning to make handmade signs, labeling everything, and I’ll post pictures when we make some progress.

Last night we reserved the car for Disney!!  It’s officially, official.  Disney is ours in October!  We can’t wait!

Daddy is starting a vacation tomorrow, so all in all, as life is going along, the roses may not be in bloom yet, but we are breathing in the fresh air.

The Spirit of God has made me; the breath of the Almighty gives me life.