Judgment
Travis and I came home tired after serving in church yesterday, but we were excited to have my in-laws over for the afternoon and dinner. They had gone to the church service and we were talking about the message (which I didn’t see) and the subject of judgment came up.
This has been on my heart lately, because after writing my review of Aspen Grove Salon, I have received the nastiest emails and responses. Very few had to do with the salon, and most attacked me personally, casting judgment on my family and my choice to stay home with my daughter. Many of them I couldn’t even post because they were a complete disruption in the blog and the review process. Almost all of them were intended to be hurtful.
I have been called some overused terms like ’soccer mom’ and some not so overused terms that I choose not to repeat. I sit back and wonder why a woman would try so hard to tear down another woman? But more importantly: when did staying home to raise a family become a bad thing?
I did the corporate thing
I worked in the corporate world for a long time. I made almost six figures a year and I contributed to my family and society. I was a good employee and a good manager. I look at that and say ’so what?’ I would rather teach my daughter to read one letter at a time, then balance budgets and project numbers.
My opinion is that my choice doesn’t take away my education, or make me any less street smart. My opinion is I am directly influencing someone for the positive, and I am proud of my results. When did the general public lose sight of the positive in my role? When did a title like ’soccer mom’ become an insult?
I think all moms want to do the best they can for their children. When we were not financially prepared for me to stay home, working was the best I could do for my child. It wasn’t where my heart was, but it was the best I could do. Is that where these insults come from? Jealousy?
I was jealous, too
I hate to admit it, but I was jealous of the moms who could stay home, make their own schedules, kiss their kids when ever they wanted and have home cooked meals on the table when daddy came home with a kiss and flowers. I knew jealousy was an evil emotion, yet I felt it. I wanted that. Although I can’t think of a time when I said hateful things to a woman in the position I longed for, I do know what that felt burning feeling inside of me felt like.
Now that I have the life we’ve worked for, I am grateful every day. Part of that gratefulness is being grateful to the experiences I did have in the workforce and the knowledge I gained from it. I would never judge a mom who is there, nor a mommy who loves being there. I have to say, after doing both, my current role is a challenge most days. There are no vacations, no pay increases and not even 30 minutes of drive time to turn off the radio and clear my head.
That being said, I truly believe every person has to decide what is right for their family. I do not have the right to judge those decisions, and last I heard, God didn’t pass that responsibility to anyone else either. So when did we start to accept these comments and behaviors and why?
Melissa says:
Why is it that people feel it necessary to berate you when you do work for not spending ENOUGH time with your children, then turn around and treat you like less of an accomplished human being when you do ditch that life-sucking job to stay home with your kid/s? I’ve only been home for 2 months now, and already I can pick up on that “oh, you don’t work” look in their eyes when they ask what you do. YOU know you made the right decision to leave and I know I am grateful for this opportunity… however I ended up here! Stand strong, be strong!
Angela says:
Melissa,
You don’t work? HA. This job is more work then I have ever done, and I am sure it has been for you too. When I first started staying home I used to tease Travis about that all of the time when he would say “she doesn’t work” I would say “I don’t work outside of the home”. LOL I know it is just semantics, but I really do think it is a representation of how people really do feel. People who aren’t staying home with their children really do think this isn’t work.
Is it us? Do we as SAHM’s accept or tolerate that behavior, so much to the point where others assume their words don’t hurt anymore?
You just reminded me of when I first started staying home… I specifically remember going to a friends party and as soon as I said I was a SAHM, I had people turn away - literally uninterested in talking to me… as if I couldn’t possibly have anything interesting to say because I stay home with my kid.
I hope you stick with it - Being a SAHM was very hard in the beginning - but if you stick it out, it can be the best job that goes unnoticed.
MileHighDad says:
Ladies,
Being at home with the kids is “the toughest job we’ll ever love”!In the digital world we now live in, it is all to easy to make judgements and flame, these coming from people who are totally unqualified to think in such a way.
The only person you need to answer to, looks at you with love filled eyes and if they could talk they would say “I wanna be just like you someday!” And that is what keeps me going day after day, even after days like today where my son found the need to throw up most of the day… If it wasn’t hard work today, why am I so tired tonight?
-MileHighDad
http://www.milehighdad.com/
Addie says:
I found this post after doing a google search for Aspen Grove, wanting to see if I could find some reviews — thanks for those !
The mommy wars will never end until SAHM’s respect working moms and working mom’s respect SAHM’s. I’m a very well-seasoned “sequencing mom” — I’ve done it all — worked through preganacy, nursing and pre-schools; stayed at home, homeschooled and I’ve been a WAHM. I now work outside the home, but I’m fortunate enough to have a husband who is a WAHD. Being new to CR, I have to admit, I could kind of see where Jonathan was coming from on the “soccer mom” analogy. Although I have been one (SAHM), I must say, the one’s I know through my kids’ school or extra-curricular activities are quite cliquish and not very friendly. It’s as though I don’t “fit in” becuase I cannot participate in the homeroom mom club. I really dont care, but I hope others can see how this contributes to the mommy wars.
Because I’ve “been there, done that”, I have the utmost respect for a mom who stays home. It IS hard work, and like you said — no days off, no vacation and no raises. BUT…. you get to go to any and every event; I have to pick and choose…..you can go have lunch with your 3rd grader - I opt for love notes in the lunch box….
I have noticed that CR is a “stay at home mom town”. Dance classes at 11AM on tuesdays; school awards ceremonies at 10 on Wed.; no before/after school care or summer programs. Like I said, I’m lucky my hubby works at home. But society and culture in CR contributes to the bitterness. Until all us moms band together and support eachother as MOMS and stand up for what is right PERIOD, there will always be the mommy wars.
Now I’ve had my “mental break” for the day and have to get back to work
Angela says:
MHD,
I am sorry to hear your son wasn’t feeling well. That makes for a really long day, and much appreciation for bed time.
Addie,
You are so right. It will never end until everyone has respect for the other party. And, I totally agree - CR is a “SAHM” town. I also find schedules frustrating because my husband doesn’t like to miss swim lessons and music classes, yet in order to make that happen a lot of times he must schedule time off. And when we are lucky enough to find a Saturday class, we are facing wait lists and overcrowded classes…. You’d think businesses would see this trend and do something about it at some point!
I totally get where Jonathan was coming from, and I can see how easy it would be to jump to the conclusion that I am the “typical soccer mom”. And I want to be honest - It was other moms - not Jonathan that quickly threw stones after seeing a sliver of Jonathans and my interaction.
The thing that I find interesting is from my perspective you can be a wonderful mommy and at the same time you can be an excellent employee. They do not have to be separate. I have always felt that way, and my decision to stay home with my daughter doesn’t change that.
On the other side, I know a few SAHM’s who are less than stellar moms… so I guess until we all agree that being a mom is hard - inside and outside the house, and respect for that role is due, we won’t see eye to eye.
Thanks for your comments, and if you decide to try Aspen Grove I hope you have a wonderful time!
Jonathan Douglas says:
I am sorry that you have received harsh emails from people seeming to side with me and my spa. I would like to say on record… I respect the job… Parent. It is my most important job and it is the job that I love more than anything. It’s an amazing opportunity to be able to have Parent be ones primary position in life for the relatively short period of time that children are at home wanting to be with mom and dad. Caroline home schooled the children for five years and it is truly a JOB! Comparing ones choices against yours is a judgment that no one has the right to make. Although I do not agree with any unsolicited slanderous remarks about anybody, (specially in a public forum) I also don’t believe that it makes it OK for anyone to slander Angela or her choices. Nobody knows the whole story behind a choice or decision and judging that choice or decision and comparing it to what “you” would do can’t possibly be fair without knowing all of the information and it’s nearly impossible to know all of the information. I built Aspen Grove to help people look and feel better… simple. It’s amazing how negativity and judgment can grow.
I welcome all in their wonderful imperfections and I hope that they will accept me with mine.
Angela, I have never judged your status in life and I appreciate you making it clear that it wasn’t me that judged you. I truly believe that when it comes to people, there is not typical anything. We were all created uniquely.
Angela says:
Thank you for your comments. They are always welcome!
As far as your first statement - just to clarify… the comments I am talking about in this post had NOTHING to do with your salon or your view on our situation. They had to do with my status as a stay at home mom.
As I have said to you via email and in this public forum, I don’t have any hard feelings towards you, or your salon. We obviously have a disagreement over services, but as I mentioned to you, it wasn’t anything that I couldn’t see from a business perspective.
I don’t think your salon is going to fail, nor would I wish that upon you. In fact, I have paid to send family members there as gifts and referrals. I really do think your salon has something special - it just wasn’t a good fit for me.
Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for stopping by, and I hope you stay and read some posts not related to Aspen Grove… you never know what you may relate to your own journey.
Sarah says:
Angela~
I’m another one who found your blog by googling Aspen Grove (and I am TOTALLY gonna mention your blog & name when I go in for a pedi–50% off, heck yeah!) and I am so sorry you have received such negativity from your original blog post.
I’m a SAHM too, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything. I’ve never felt harshly judged for that, and I can’t imagine why anyone would care or think it was a bad thing? People are crazy!
Don’t worry about the haters. *good vibes*
Angela says:
Sarah,
I hope you have a great time at Aspen Grove - doesn’t it make it more relaxing to know you are getting 50% off?!
I was really upset about the post for a long time. I didn’t even post 1/3 of the messages that were sent to me because they had nothing to do with the salon and were attacking my choice to be a SAHM. I couldn’t even post some of the responses from the salon owner/workers because they were so off topic! It was hurtful, but what I came to realize is that most of the responses were written from a very ignorant perspective - meaning the people were quick to judge my lifestyle and review of something without having the full picture… the same went for Jonathan - he wanted people to understand his struggles as a business owner and got that message out there. I didn’t want the post to be about those things, so I didn’t drag up all of my issues and tried to stay impartial. So people only saw a glimpse of both sides and quickly made a judgement call.
What surprised me most, is I honestly didn’t feel the review of the salon was all bad, or unfair. There were good and bad things - but most people focused on the negative… it was a reality check for me to see that unfold.
Sarah says:
Yeah, your blog entry seemed completely fair, based on your experiences. It’s not like you were all “Aspen Grove is the worst EVER!!!!!! and no one should ever go there!”. I wasn’t deterred, based on my reading of your review….I thought you presented your experiences and conclusions in as fair a manner as you could.
Unfortunately, I think being anonymous on the internet can bring out the worst in some people. They feel emboldened to say things that they would never, ever dream of saying “in real life”.
Again, I am so sorry that you had that flood of negativity sent in your direction. Just know that there are people sending love & peace, too….they just might not be as vocal,